Sorry I've not blogged in a couple of days, life had somewhat overtaken me, both in terms of what I've been cramming in and pure unadulterated emotional upheaval... more on the latter later.
What I really wanted to share though was a beautiful teaching I attended last Thursday at the
Kagyu Samye Dzong Buddhist Center in Bermondsey, London. Lama Zangmo has just started a 15 week programme on the
Bodhisattvacaryāvatāra, often known as
A Guide to the Bodhisattva's Way of Life. It has been a long time, both since I have had the opportunity to attend a teaching, or since I've had the chance to spend time in one of the Samye Ling affiliated centers, and Thursday didn't disappoint at all. Whilst I probably won't manage to get to the whole course (work dragging me about the UK et al.) I do hope to attend a large proportion.
So what was so good? I've not heard Lama teach before and was struck by her very friendly, approachable style. This wasn't a lecture, it was an invitation to join in with a learning process. She spent the majority of the lesson describing the background to the text, how it came to be, who it was that wrote it, and how it has been taught and debated since. All of that set the scene for the lesson next week. Although this week there were no questions, time has already been worked into the schedule for later weeks, before finishing each session with 20-30 mins of meditation.
What did I learn though? Well I'm not as bad at meditating as I though I was! My leg did do its usual trick of falling asleep, but only just before Lama rang the bell to signal the end anyway. Finding that inner calm is still not the struggle I once found it, despite not having spent much time on the cushion recently. Most of all though, I remembered how much I enjoy both learning and the meditation after.
It is easy though I think to keep a practice on the cushion (assuming that is you make it to said cushion in the first place :) ). For me, the hard work starts when I get up. As Lama explained, the Bodhisattvacaryāvatāra describes training in each of the six perfections (generosity, right conduct, patience, diligence, meditation and wisdom) in order to obtain enlightenment. What really struck a cord with me was her description of how you practice all of them within one meditation session... no matter how badly you thought it went! By dedicating the merit etc you practice generosity, in attempting to set the correct posture - right conduct, in not getting up after five minutes - patience, by actually committing to the practice - diligence, by meditating... erm meditation, and in those fleeting moments of lucid clarity, wisdom. Rather inspiring I thought.
For me though it is in my daily conduct that I "train" the hardest, especially in "right conduct". Learning how to find the moment before I react to something though is one area in which I'm actually starting to see an improvement. I would love to say that when someone hurts me, impugns my character or generally acts in a way I find upsetting, that I treat it with perfect equanimity... but I don't. In acknowledging that though there is a power. I know that if something cuts deep I'm likely to react, and that knowledge allows me not to. I know that I need to think before I speak, else regret it later, and knowing that means I pause. I've stopped rushing (quite so) headlong into the argument. I've learnt to see the hook, acknowledge that I want to react negatively, and step away. Similarly I now know how bad I am at stewing on an event, of planning and scheming my revenge, and of how bad that makes me feel inside. When you start to look at it, it is insane! Someone else hurts me so I stew and seeth and plot, running over and over and over what hurt me the first time, each time feeling it anew... and for what? The person who said it doesn't know that, they've walked away. The only person hurting is me. And if I should choose to act on those plots and schemes? Ok I get a momentary satisfaction at "getting my own back" or in other words making that person feel as bad as I did... meaning I almost always feel awful later. So they say one thing, and I torture myself twice over... how about I try not to do that any more!
That is not to say I always succeed. Events over the weekend have had me seething to a quite scary degree. What for me has been a success though was in not reacting at the time. I didn't escalate it and three days later I feel good about myself. I didn't lash out with hurtful words (though it was very tempting). I stopped and thought. Even my plots and plans hatched in the dark drive home seem childishly pathetic. Being aware of them, acknowledging their existence without judging them good or bad, just seeing them for what they are is oddly liberating. I'm still not sure how to deal with the situation that must arise shortly, but I am sure that a breath, a moment, a second of calm is all I will need to avoid a total fiasco.... wish me luck!